2013-14 End of Season Awards

So the 2013-14 season is finally over and its time to hand out the annual awards.  Capricorn Research’s take on this is that the plaudits should really go to the planets for doing their job, rather than the human beings that are simply channelling their energy, but footballers are such delicate things that if we don’t sing happy birthday to them, they will stomp off in a huff and put in a transfer request, so here goes.

The Jupiter award for receiving the fruits of indulgence on a truly cosmic scale goes to Gareth Bale who has the big planet conjunct his Sun and particularly Real Madrid President Florentino Perez who has it trine his.

It has taken 12 years to add their 10th European Cup win mainly because Perez sold Claude Makelele to Chelsea and bought David Beckham prompting Znedine Zidane to say “Why put another layer of gold paint on the Bentley when you are losing the entire engine?”. 

Since then Perez has splurged over a billion on trying to get La Decima, so he should be congratulated much in the same way that the monkey with the typewriter and an infinite amount of time would be applauded for hacking out the complete works of Shakespeare.

Of course all that Jupiterean spending was no problem for Perez. Everyone knows that Real have been subbed by the state ever since Franco’s days so the attainment of another Big Cup was inevitable.

Unfortunately it seems to have come at the cost of bankrupting the country and forcing all it’s young people to come over to England and work in Mike Ashley’s Sports Direct.

Could this be all be part of a cunning plan by the Universe to turn Newcastle United into the world’s next superpower ?

If so who’s actually running things ? Everyone likes to picture God in their own image, but it may turn out he’s actually one of those gargantuan Geordies who turn up in Moscow on a freezing night in December with no shirt on.

That’s real Jupiterean largesse for you.

Other mentions for the Jupiter award must include Luke Shaw who also has it on his Sun, and has had a stunning season. Capricorn Research has to take this on trust as he’s never seen the youngster actually play owing to a tendency to fall asleep by the time Southampton come on Match of the Day.

The Saturn award for hitting the ground walking and slowly grinding to a full stop has to go to David Moyes, whose facial expressions over the last twelve months have given young astrology students the world over a wonderful opportunity to witness the experience of Old Father Time himself.

That slowly developing awareness that things really weren’t what they appeared in the brochure and there is nothing at all that you can do about it except meekly await your fate, is clearly shared by anyone who like Moyes has had Saturn aspect their Sun, Moon and Mars at the same time.

Which brings us to Tim Sherwood who gets an honourable mention in the Saturn awards, although the brochure was clear enough. He was only ever going to get until the end of the season, so when he said he would only take the job if given time, Daniel Levy pretended to give him 18 months whilst keeping his fingers crossed behind his back.

The whole point of a Saturn transit is to put up with difficulties and obstructions in order to build something for the future, so at least Sherwood managed to see the constructive side, and as an Aquarian spent the whole time moaning about the inequities of the Spurs job whilst conducting a very public audition for a job with a mid table Championship club under an owner who doesn’t believe in tactics.

The Neptune award for wandering around in a dazed state trying to locate the dressing room has to be shared around a large number of premier league managers this season. And true to the ethos of the planet there are no clear winners, but there are plenty of losers especially as its transit through the early degrees of its own sign, Pisces, has brought utter confusion to a number of poor souls who only had a tenuous grasp of reality in the first place.

Credit has to go to Fulham for removing Martin Jol from his post before the ground opened up and swallowed him, but to  replace a man with Neptune on his Moon with someone who has it opposite his, on the basis that Rene Muelensteen had managed to hold down his previous managerial post for the best part of three weeks has brought its own inevitable reward.

In an extraordinary attempt to copy this winning formula, West Brom sacked Steve Clarke who had Neptune opposite his Sun only to replace him with Pepe Mel who had the planet conjunct his. The club only escaped a similar fate owing to the Premier League rule that only two clubs and Norwich City can go down.

Cardiff went one better. Malky Mackay’s whole period as manager of the club was covered by Neptune’s conjunction to his Sun and just as it was moving away, he got the boot only to be replaced by Ole Gunnar Solksjaer just as Neptune was making the same aspect to his Sun, again with the inevitable results.

In future any manager with this transit coming up can expect to be given a contract by Vincent Tan. It’s either that or a twilight home for the permanently bewildered.

The Uranus / Pluto joint award for confounding everyone’s expectations to make a complete and total reinvention has to go to Luis Suarez with both planets on his Mars causing his remarkable phoenix like rise from alleged racist cannibal diver to double footballer of the Year and all round saint of Mother Theresa proportions. 

The rewards to Liverpool of sticking with him against the advice of most punters have multiplied and this will no doubt be reflected this summer when a bid for £ 100,000,001 comes in from Real Madrid. No – one’s quite sure what Florentino Perez is smoking but we can bet its a lot stronger than Stan Kroenke’s favourite brand.

Liverpool may well be advised to take it too, as once this transit’s over at the end of 2014, its unlikely he will have another season like this one. Jupiter opposite Suarez’s Sun just after the World Cup could well see the transfer record smashed once more.

Second place for the Uranus / Pluto would have to be Steve Bruce. Everyone wrote off Hull at the beginning of the season and the odds against them making it into Europe would have been astronomical. Pluto’s conjunction with Bruce’s Sun wasn’t quite enough to take the FA Cup but after his previous sojourns at Palace, Birmingham and Sunderland, it was enough to completely redeem his managerial CV. Of course Bruce benefited from Hull having relatively little TV exposure as it allowed them to stay off the radar. It was only on Cup Final day that we could all see the effect that a few years in management has had on his six pack. Capricorn Research was almost tempted to give him the Jupiter award as well.

Just in case you were wondering, all of the above were predicted by Capricorn Research on a number of occasions throughout the season. And the early runners for next season’s Jupiter and Saturn awards are Louis Van Gaal and Yaya Toure.

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